Seventh Seal of the Hallowe'en Horrors

It's Halloween! That time of year when we eat humble pie with death, eat a whole bottle of bitter pills with darkness and eat lead with evil. Woo!

And the Number of the Hallowe'en Horrors is 666

Its Halloween! That time of year when we draw black waters from the well of cosmic truth with death, draw deep breaths of chill, grave-leaden mist with darkness, and draw white, chalk outlines around corpses in the alleyway with evil. Woo!

Behold Death. He's wearing his Loch Ness Monster costume this year. Basically it's a dark green robe, a dark green handle for his scythe and a kind of lizard mask on the blade. It looks great and boy is he committed to the role. We've been trying to get him out of the swimming pool for hours!

Here be Darkness. She's been trying to teach the zombies about the miraculous power of make-up. I don't think it's going too well. Lipstick is supposed to stick to lips, not the other way round. There's bits of face everywhere!

Yonder is Evil. He's dressed up in a long, white robe with a little cardboard halo fixed onto his head with a piece of wire. He does that every year but it's hilarious every time!

Pentagrammatical Décor of the Hallowe'en Horrors

It's Halloween! That time of year when we kick the bucket with death, kick our heels with darkness, and kick angelic beings in the shins with evil! Woo!

REAL monstrosa

Image: Jakob Fahr

Everyone knows beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what about monstrousness? Surely monstrousness is far more substantial and objective than the wispy, nebulous beauty that exists nowhere but our own minds? It's all about the bulging body parts and too many legs. Even scientists can see that.

Thus we have monstrosa, Latin for monster.

So let's check out some scientifically confirmed (with real science and white lab coats) monsters. By their name we shall know them. Or their face.

The Blues IV

Image: Ted

Uh oh! It's that time of year again - Blue Monday! The worst Monday of them all.

Call Forth the Hallowe'en Horrors

It's Halloween! That time of year when we listen for the lifting of coffin lids with death, eavesdrop on the whispering chants of mournful forests with darkness and hear the lamentation of our enemies as we drive them before us and crush their women with evil. Woo!

Behold Death. He's taken up gardening. Or so he claims. I don't think he's supposed to bury the seeds 6 feet deep. And aren't you meant to take them off the tree first?

Here be Darkness. She's teaching the ghouls how to cook. It's quite easy because the ghouls eat raw meat but her three-tier offal cake with carved bone colonnade is quite a sight!

Yonder is Evil. He's dressed up in a long, white robe with a little cardboard halo fixed onto his head with a piece of wire. He does that every year but it's hilarious every time!
Let's see who joined the party this year!

Venom in Furs

Image: David Haring / Duke Lemur Center

Venom: a fang's best friend. If you want to ruin someone's day, it's hard to beat the one-two punch of a piercing tooth and a high-quality toxin. We got toxins for instant death, toxins for festering wounds, toxins for paralysis and many more! Whether you want to swiftly despatch your enemy with a minimum of fuss or simply leave him helpless while you explain your villainous plans and the deep-seated psychological issues that led up to them, there's always a toxin to suit your needs.

For the rest of us, it seems the best we can do is be scared of the guy with venomous fangs and run away as fast as we can. Some people are REALLY good at that. Maybe even too good. It's called arachnophobia and ophidiophobia. Probably if you're sweating and shivering at the sight of a photograph of a spider or snake, you're too good at being scared.

But not all venomous animals have too many legs or no legs at all. There are venomous mammals out there. Soft, fluffy mammals with big, brown eyes. Actually they almost all have tiny eyes but even if they have difficulty seeing us, we can still see them. So let's do that!

Birds, Bats and Watercress

Image: Barracuda1983
A Pipistrelle bat

I went to a farm so I could look at birds, listen to bats and eat entire branches of the Tree of Life! I mean watercress.

Saiga Antelope

Image: Darwin Initiative
Saiga tatarica

SCHNOZ ALERT!

Red River Hog

Image: hjhipster
Potamochoerus porcus

The best dressed hog in the forest!

River Dolphin

Image: LNarimatsu

Ah, the magical dolphin! From the cheeky grin to that sensuously curved tail fin, they are truly made for the sea-faring life. We watch them with admiration and a twinge of envy as they effortlessly carve their way through the ocean and leap into the air from the wake of our bulky, steel ships.

Thrice-damned Hallowe'en Horrors

It's Hallowe'en! That time of year when we trip the light phantasmic with death, trip and fall with darkness and "accidentally" trip and fall while holding a knife inappropriately in a crowded area with evil. Woo!

Behold Death. He's trying out a clown costume this year. He's really enjoying the red wig. I've never seen anyone put so much hair gel on a wig before! He needed every drop to comb it into the shape of his own scythe. He says he might laminate it!

Here be Darkness. She's taken up baking cupcakes and brought some along for us to try. They're delicious! They practically stand up and walk right into my mouth of their own accord. In fact, the legs are my favourite bit!

Yonder is Evil. He's dressed up in a long, white robe with a little cardboard halo fixed onto his head with a piece of wire. He does that every year but it's hilarious every time!

Let's take a look at some of the ghosts and ghouls who haunt our world all year round:

Aardvark

Image: Valerie
Orycteropus afer

Hey! It's the rat-tailed, rabbit-eared, pig-nosed heffalump! I'd recognize it anywhere!

Anteater

Image: Anthony Brewer

There are four kinds of mammal in the world: Rodents, who are the annoying ones; Carnivores, who are the scary ones; Ungulates, who are the tasty ones; and everything else, who are the weird ones.

Badger Bat?

Image: DeeAnn Reeder, Bucknell University
Niumbaha superba

Turns out the Wicked Witch of the West was way ahead of her time. On our long journey to achieve the technological holy grail known as "Flying Monkeys", mad scientists have recently announced their latest advance: a flying badger. It's also a munchkin, oddly enough.

Babirusa

Image: su-lin

Ah... This reminds me of my all-time favourite episode of The Simpsons: 9F15 - Last Exit to Springfield. It's the one where Lisa Needs Braces. She also sings a great song: "they have the plant but we have the power" and Mr. Burns at one point says:

Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing
They're not sad at all, they're actually singing!
They sing without juicers
They sing without blenders
They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers

But mainly Lisa Needs Braces.

Yes, I own an episode guide.

Visayan Warty Pig

Image: auntie rain
Sus cebifrons

It's the porcine punk monk!

It's Boxing Day

It's Boxing Day, so...

Return of the Hallowe'en Horrors

It's Hallowe'en! That time of year when we play snakes 'n' ladders with death, peek-a-boo with darkness and rock, paper, Armageddon with evil. Fun!

Behold Death. He's stripped to the waist to show off his brand new array of internal organs. He looks great! At least 3 or 4,000 years younger! The surgeon says he can choose some skin in a few weeks, maybe even an eyeball!

Here be Darkness. Her flower arranging has really come on leaps and bounds this year. She's taken a very important step and decided not to paint all the flowers entirely black. We now have one crimson petal peeking out from the shadows. She says it's a revelation!

Yonder is Evil. He's dressed up in a long, white robe with a little cardboard halo fixed onto his head by a piece of wire. He does that every year but it's hilarious every time!

But some creatures don't need to dress up in a long, white robe to be scary. They don't need clothes at all. They're entirely NAKED! All the time! Let's go see!

SCHNOZ!

Image: Wikipedia
Rhynchocyon petersi

Aaah! The glorious world of great, big schnozes!

No rhinoplasty here, please; these creatures are well adjusted and happy to be brimful of beak. They wouldn't have it any other way!

Some of them are even dependant on their super sniffer for survival, so I hope the surgeon takes a closer look before he starts drawing those weird perforation lines.

Oh. but don't get too close!

Some of these face lances could take an eye out.