Veils From the Crypt

Video: Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute (MBARI)

Cryptic monsters... undercover horrors... sleeper creepers... From the monsters under the bed to the ghosts in the attic, the vampire on the board of directors to the werewolf in the historical reenactment society, there's no getting away from them. Is your paperboy a ghoul? Is your sister-in-law a zombie? Are you absolutely sure you're not a fish-person?

And the Number of the Hallowe'en Horrors is 666

Its Halloween! That time of year when we draw black waters from the well of cosmic truth with death, draw deep breaths of chill, grave-leaden mist with darkness, and draw white, chalk outlines around corpses in the alleyway with evil. Woo!

Behold Death. He's wearing his Loch Ness Monster costume this year. Basically it's a dark green robe, a dark green handle for his scythe and a kind of lizard mask on the blade. It looks great and boy is he committed to the role. We've been trying to get him out of the swimming pool for hours!

Here be Darkness. She's been trying to teach the zombies about the miraculous power of make-up. I don't think it's going too well. Lipstick is supposed to stick to lips, not the other way round. There's bits of face everywhere!

Yonder is Evil. He's dressed up in a long, white robe with a little cardboard halo fixed onto his head with a piece of wire. He does that every year but it's hilarious every time!

Bullseye Electric Ray

Image: Steve Ryan
Diplobatis ommata

BULLSEYE!

Possibly not the best accessory for a relatively small fish in a big, bad sea with sharks in...

Spotted Eagle Ray

Wow, what a pattern!

Well, I know what my next duvet cover's going to look like.

Pentagrammatical Décor of the Hallowe'en Horrors

It's Halloween! That time of year when we kick the bucket with death, kick our heels with darkness, and kick angelic beings in the shins with evil! Woo!

Tickle of the Crab's Claw

Getting tickled in the belly is bad enough as it is. The INDIGNITY!

Antenna Ray

It's the one thing every creature with a long, thin tail wants...

A longer, thinner tail!

REAL monstrosa

Image: Jakob Fahr

Everyone knows beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what about monstrousness? Surely monstrousness is far more substantial and objective than the wispy, nebulous beauty that exists nowhere but our own minds? It's all about the bulging body parts and too many legs. Even scientists can see that.

Thus we have monstrosa, Latin for monster.

So let's check out some scientifically confirmed (with real science and white lab coats) monsters. By their name we shall know them. Or their face.

Sixgill Stingray

Hexatrygon bickelli

If there's one thing that should be clear to anyone who cares to notice, it's this: the pitch darkness and suffocating pressure of the deep sea does strange things to a body. It gives gigantism to the tiny, freedom to the mud guzzlers, snaggleteeth to some, and a thick layer of flab to many.

Now, at long last, it's the stingray's turn. It's what they've always wanted!

The Blues IV

Image: Ted

Uh oh! It's that time of year again - Blue Monday! The worst Monday of them all.

Cow Shark

Image: Peter Southwood

Cow Shark. Cow. Shark.

This is a most unlikely alliance.

Pelagic Stingray

Image: Makoto Nakashima
Pteroplatytrygon violacea

Stingrays are most famous for their sting, but they're also well-known as flattened fish that spend all their time gliding an inch above the ocean floor. Not so the Pelagic Stingray. They're just as flat, but they're not one to be tied down. Their home is the wide, open sea!

Guitarfish

Image: LASZLO ILYES

What do you get when you cross a shark and a ray?

A guitarfish!

No, I don't get it either.

Lunar Landscape

I have to admit, this was very strange!

Porcupine Ray

Image: Christa Rohrbach
Urogymnus asperrimus

HANDLE WITH CARE!

Mako Shark

Image: Patrick Doll

Ah, just what we need. Big, fast-moving sharks with big, sharp teeth and big, black eyes that are either soulless or full of other people's souls. Gaze into those orbs of darkness. Go on!

If you feel NOTHING and continue to feel NOTHING for the rest of your life (or "life"), then congratulations! You're a statistic on humanity's path to ever-increasing knowledge. If we remember your name, we'll put it on a certificate or something.

Rhinochimaera

Image: NOAA Okeanos Explorer Program, Gulf of Mexico 2012 Expedition

Who ever heard of a spook
With quite so much of a snoot?
It swims in the dark
It's called a Ghost Shark
And its face looks like an elf's boot

Chimaera

Image: NOAA

The original Chimaera was a mythical Greek monster composed of a lion with a goat's head sticking out if its back and a snake instead of a tail. You have to admit, a goat's head on a lion's back is way more impressive than the ear on a mouse they did in that primitive age known as 1997. Those Greeks were way ahead of their time.

Wobbegong

Image: Richard Ling

The Wobbegong may have a pretty silly sounding name, but don't say so to its toothy face.

Cownose Ray

Image: juan.aguere

It's the hilarious new sitcom everyone's talking about!

Ray is a rich man with a time consuming job who neglects his wife and children because he cares more about money than he does about his wife and children.

When a witch turns his nose into a cow's nose, Ray is forced to reevaluate his prejudice against poor people and women he doesn't find sexually attractive.

Join Ray on his heart-warming journey of self discovery as he battles his inner bastard and tries to become a nice person.

You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll point at his stupid face!

Cownose Ray!